SKANKIN GROOVES SET draft 4 (AUG 18 / 2022)
*soft intro*
it ain’t you / it’s me / i need / a lot more things than you / have more than you can carry / your arms are so full already / we can’t hold each other / we couldn’t / i’m heavy / my love / all this world my body be / all this depth / it’s changing / getting / my mouth / it’s getting even bigger / i need two arms and a set of hands / a leash sometimes /
but i’m still here / even when you aren’t
*introduce yourself*
*hi y’all, my name is laquann dawson, i’m an artist who spends 90% of his time fantasizing and trying to bring those fantasies into real life. i’m a capricorn with a venus in scorpio. i’m a sabrina claudio gay which means i’m always in love. i’m delusional, romantic, hella horny and i’ll rub his feet whenever he asks me to. my friends said i wasn’t allowed to ride my bike here because i keep on falling on my ass, so if anybody is tryna uber me home after this, that’d be great. imma read a few poems cause i’ve got some things to get off my chest. thank you collette and funky reggae house party for offering me this space. it’s been a while since i’ve read my shit in front of folks who don’t regularly clock my poet’s voice. thank y’all for being here. thank y’all for having me. this first one is called:
1. “i need a lot more things”*
i can’t always tell if i want somebody / to love on / me / or if i want somebody to want / me / sometimes i want to be wanted / to be looked at / sometimes up and down / sometimes i want to be picked up and squeezed and spun around / sometimes tossed around and cursed / at / sometimes i want a nigga to bite his lip so hard when he looks at me / it bleeds / i’ll lick it off / pretend it didn’t happen / again / if he wants me, too / i’ll wear whatever color he asks / send him options / send him red heart / send him two more / send him roses / send him hand written note with panties in the mail / send him a nice text saying “thanks for sharing space” / i love / his company and i’m grateful / i’m great and full of sometimes nothing / sometimes love and high hopes / for what i don’t always know / cause apparently always don’t always mean always and i don’t know what either of us wants always // or // sometimes / niggas don’t want to be reached always so / do not text my phone / you cannot reach me / you are not invited and you cannot come up here
*interlude*
since i was little my mama has been telling me that she was never meant to be a side chick, that what she had to offer a man wasn’t a small deal and it wasn’t for everyone. she’s always been the type of woman that you turn into a wife.
as a result of this early mother-son mentorship. i’ve become the type of nigga who expects to be wife’d at the end of all of this. whatever “this” is.
i watched, i listened and i took note of the things that make someone desirable in the long term kind of ways. i’ve learned grace, sultry, exclusivity and many different ways to say “yes”.
i’ve trained myself to be loyal, patient, reliable and forgiving. i work hard, i’m independent, generous and a decent cook. i don’t eat broccoli on dates and i wait until i’m alone to eat hot cheetos. i look good next to or behind a beautiful man and i know how to make him feel wanted. i do my hair different every day and i‘ve been told that i’m right kind of slutty.
each time i’ve fallen in love i’ve led with the idea that i’m meant to be someone’s wife. spoken for, protected and understood for all that i am and all that i am not. i’ve treated the best of my lovers as if we were already wed. i’ve expected husband things from niggas who weren’t even sure if they believed in marriage, let alone with me. i wear rings on my ring finger and fantasize about the day i’ll be kept.
yesterday i saw a clip from BROAD CITY where this girl is at dinner with her man and she says “marriage? lincoln, i’m only 27, what am i, a child bride? i’m on a new york city timeline!” that shit hit home because i remember being 21 and fully feeling like i was settled down already.
i’ve realized how much pressure this puts on my partners and me. how such heavy expectations take the fun out of things. how i’m not a petite fertile mexican woman with multiple children like my mama. how exhausting and unrealistic it is for a black man in his twenties to be prepared for or interested in such a commitment. i know i’m not prepared. sorry to those men. this next one is titled:
2. “still not ready”
yes, yes, yes and yes again / no, very often as well and off balance still / i’m looking for it though / i’m learning how to fly / how to become lighter / i’m getting closer / they’re asking me to be grateful / to change my name / to show gratitude and grace and acknowledge my upper hand / very often both my wrists are a little broke and sometimes i am too / my back and knees and neck and ankles too and not in the ways that are good or very exciting / the truth is y’all niggas scare me / you’re so sensitive and you have too many powers / you’re too good at vanishment and i need you here / i’m not really that strong and it gets hard to stay on my feet / i need more help than i’d like to admit but / i’m working / i’m fixing my posture / i’m speaking with my chest more / i am wanting to find a new confidence in the things i want and in the things i need and the things i have to offer
*interlude*
to be transparent most of my poems are about me being a whole lot of person but desiring so greatly to be tamed. i had a summer where i was feeling extremely manic and angry and not at all calm, i’d ride my bike around brooklyn from 3am until 10am blasting durand burnarr's fuck nigga free on repeat. to aid in my healing and to build my confidence back up i wrote a bunch of shit talking poems where i pretty much embody a horny dragon. this next one is called:
3. “dragon tales”
wasn’t i a good king? / more fair than not / generous with wealth / offered constant affirmation and then gratitude / i prayed on the whole town / (cursed it too) / didn’t i feed you well? / made sure you had a crown on your head and matching slides on your feet / i never let them touch the ground / had you rotating around a pole / didn’t i sit in that same spot / perched and smiling / a simple, pretty little bird / simultaneously / fairy pixie tinkerbell ass nigga bad bitch witch spitting fire across countries / for you / i’ve got many kinds of wings, you know / i’m fly everywhere i go and everywhere i’ve been / i’ve answered to little bird before / i know who i am / i still like A1 sauce, tap water and snacks from the deli that don’t sell cashews or duracells / i still use Vaseline on my face and i’m never paying that ticket for jumping the turnstile at Utica / i still say ‘y’all’ and ‘nigga’ in every meeting / in every room / i still sag my pants to work / i’m still higher than you and i know it because i can see yo ass even when i am not trying to / i picked up 5 slim jims from a 7/11 / paz told me i’ve got a black boy’s pallet / not all of them have taste though / not all of them taste good either / they’re afraid of my arms and don’t know how to feed me / they tip-toe around me and keep forgetting that i can see them / i can see you all from up here
*interlude*
this next one was inspired by keke palmer’s response to what she says when she runs into somebody she don’t really fuck with (and also allergies) its about something you can’t get off your mind but really don’t wanna be thinking about / titled:
4. “god, bless you!”
if you get a ‘god bless’ from me, just know i’m keeping it cordial / let’s keep it very god bless from now on / get off my window / i cannot stand you / sweet memories / get off my shit / off my screen / off my ass / and get out of my messages / it is very time to go / very god bless you / very move out the way / very keep it cute / very swallowed a nigga whole and put it all over instagram / get off my shit / he not good with people and he’s not in a good mood either / talk to him nicely / and please please be gentle / easy / easy / pace yourself / and if not / get off my shit / we don’t need to suffer / let’s get it over with / maybe next lifetime i’ll be a butterfly / my teeth won’t be so sharp / and i won’t be so angry / or so big / maybe i’ll actually set the city on fire this time / say fuck you / fuck them / block all y’all niggas and tellem to get off my shit / i’ll fly through the neighborhood till the sun comes up / decide if i want to eat it today or bury it in the dirt / if you see my belly glowing’ red / my skin melting / my hair on fire / and your favorite nigga on instagram goes missing / just mind your business / don’t look at me / don’t look at me / and please / get off / my fuckin’ shit
*interlude*
this next one is about getting repeatedly groped at the function to the point where you want to go home / titled:
5. “leak your sextape body suit”
spider / man / cunt / bitch / a fork and a knife / another knife / and another knife / all fangs and an overbite / i’m irritated / don’t grab my wrist / i do not want to dance / please let go / please let go / please let go / i said no / thank you / i do not want to / have to / burn this club down
(almost at 10 mins)
have you ever dated someone who you only see every once in a while? a few times a month at most, you don’t know too much about their day to day life, and they don’t know yours. only what you both share during this brief monthly visit. they seem like a lovely person, kind, smart and fun to be around. i used to date this guy who would tell me he really didn’t like being around people. he told me “you’re not a person though, you’re a mythical creature sent from beyond to perform magical duties.” i felt so flattered at the time, like damn - finally someone sees me. i went home and thought how annoyed he’d be if he actually knew me. this next one is my flaws and all, titled:
6. “if you see too much of me, i might become a person”
i might fall out of the sky / my wings will turn to dust and my glow will start to fade away / it might not come back / i might start to walk everywhere / talk too much english / during the entire movie / every.single.time / i might need you to tell me i’m pretty twenty times a day / i might start to laugh like my daddy / you might find out i’m not actually too pretty to snore loud as absolute fuck / you might have to meet my ex at some point / if you see too much of me you’ll have to learn all of my of my sibling’s names / you’ll have to accept that my baby sister does not like you by default / you might find out that my hair is usually not done / you’ll have to fist fight one of my roommates / you might get 18 text messages from me within 30 seconds / you might think i’m bored if i’m not overly excited and you’ll want to run away when i am / you’ll have trouble understanding what i want because i have no idea myself / you’ll struggle to give it to me / if you see too much of me, you’ll notice a single spec of glitter somewhere on your face at all times / you’ll find yourself attempting to take care of me / you might get overwhelmed at how difficult it is to nurture a beast as great as me / you’ll be late to work / if you keep inviting me outside you’ll find that i’m a fucking stunner / a bad bitch in every sort of way / you’ll cancel your plans just to find out what i look like in the moonlight / jumping on a tiny ass trampoline / if you see too much of me you’ll try out every pet name in the book / you’ll look around and find your apartment decorated with me / you’ll get tired of flowers and smothering love at some point / you’ll need many breaks / if you see too much of me you might get used to it / you might not ever miss me, you might not ever want to / if you see too much of me you might realize that i’m not your soul mate / you might realize that i am / might realize that you cannot live without me / you might realize that it is all an illusion
if you see too much of me you’ll realize that everyone sent from heaven is not an angel, not all of the time
*interlude*
thank y’all for having me, this has been so healing. i got one more before i let you have the incredible jasmine mans. thank you for being here, thank you for having me. this last one is about the influence people you love , it’s called:
7. “i’m red, but i’ll wear green for you”
i know, i’m a bit chaotic, but i’ll be peace for you / i’m always in a rush these days but i can slow down too / yesterday i caught myself practicing to smile like you do for the days when we’re far away / i’d like to keep it with me / i’m in a good mood today and i’ve got a day full of things to look forward to / i’ve got so much sun to enjoy / i still feel red, meaning i’ve got something inside of me that i’m trying to control / but i’ll wear green to keep the peace / this is my favorite time of year and i’m so glad you all made it / so different and so familiar each time / feels like you never left / feels like you never leaving / feels like summer is never ending / feels like it never comes soon enough / it feels like a blessing… / here / touch it / i’ve been wondering lately, what’s the rush / there are so many summertimes ahead / so what’s the rush?
